Listing the events today would probably be a hell load of work and sometimes I wonder if there's some higher authority up there menacing prancing about in his nightgown and deliberately altering the tides to make our lives more interesting. That's not to say that my life has gotten anywhere more interesting.. just more cumbersome.
Was kinda hard to sleep again with all the questions running through my head and all the sick desires and self-created tragic scenarios to deal with the hypothetical "end" that I hope to achieve. Not the exact good or bad outcome to be dealt here but rather the end to all the questions viciously spiraling.
This was initiated with an alarm in the morning to call. A call to meet (which was answered thankfully) and a few strange messages but no replies.
Then I embark upon my usual encountering with the big S. Sitting about a strange foreign room with weird guests and food to gobble upon to simply oust whatever doubts that might ooze out from your guests that you are not intellectually stimulated enough to put forth a great conversation. Surprisingly I was too preoccupied with too many thoughts that it bothered me less than what it would have always.
The best part, which should warrant for a drumroll, was when I get to meet Emm and Lau. We ordered Indian and sat together with their new housemates to utter gibberish and munch upon the great food. It felt like home. Lau suffered the most with Emm and I constantly insulting her everything. The guys were no help, only with an occasional "that's horrible" from one of them.
I whispered to Emm at 9 that I had something private to chat about and immediately she took the cue. It was amazing how she could carve out such time for me (for she usually sleeps at 10 and she had to call her mom before she sleeps). We chatted for a good 1.5hrs or so and the best advises were noted and amongst the many strings of words out of their mouths, I must admit the following were magical.
"we will never ever judge you"
"come back here anytime when you feel like it. I seriously mean it. You could simply want to escape from your dorm, from Jer or anything like it and you will forever be welcomed. In fact, why not stay over tonight?"
"I am so glad that you have decided to come and talk to us and that you accepted us initially. That took a whole load off our chests"
"You are an amazing person and we would honestly wish that you have the best"
"Of all the things, we are most concerned about how you are feeling now"
I am really touched by how genuine they put these words across. Others that I have known of back home (wherever that is supposed to be) would say such stuff but we all know it is somewhat procedural, something they watched and learned to say but would never really mean it as they are probably thinking it is troublesome to deal with a friend with problems or that it is not right for people to be "emo" and wishing to be comforted.
I have probably felt and experienced so much that nobody would experience in such a short spam of time. It has changed so much of my views and made me really feel more alive in many ways. It is indeed a great choice to come to this university and experience the magical bubble.
Contrasting the two happenings in day and in night, I must say one thing that should be made a mental note for life. That is to not judge people so quickly. We live in an extremely superficial world and we often feel that in order to function better we have to keep up to it or be swallowed. We judge others who are not in norm to make a cruel joke out of them or to reinforce our superiority over them and more than often we do not realise it is us who they are sympathising with for having such a pathetic life.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
surreal
when a friend MSN-ed me to tell me how little she did for the day, I felt honestly that I did nothing too.. until when I decided to write an entry in today then everything fell nicely in sequence to illustrate how long the day actually was.
Prior to this, I must mention that it was refreshing to chat with a good friend again. We met right after Trusts Lecture, sat at Costa and chatted for a good 2 hours before moving to the Arts Centre to chat for about 30mins or so and moved onto Social Sciences Cafe as she felt that she needed to move about.
It had previously daunted upon me that I did not really know many people and leaving the bungalow meant that I was unable to maintain a strong friendship with Emm. This prompted me to join my societies this year to know more people and to hopefully get closer friends.
Ann is a really great friend and was able to devote her whole afternoon to me, listening to my concerns, my whims and whatsnot. It was certainly assuring to get a "Call me anytime when you are feeling low" from her, a certain something I had often wished my parents would have done for me.
Met a girl from Norway at a social yesterday and it was rather unimaginable. She walked up to me and started introducing herself. To our disappointment, the language we both wanted was Russian but we were unable to do it per se as I am a master of a half substandard level of it (and terribly failure at the oral bit of which) and she is totally new to it. Nonetheless it was amazing the conversation lasted for 3 hours and we moved onto another party after discovering we were the only ones left at the social.
What she mentioned en route to her halls struck me.
"Do you wanna work or live in the UK like your sis?"
"Yeah.. I am not too sure about that yet. At the moment I would like to be..."
"Would your mom and dad say anything about it?"
"Who bothers about what they think?"
"You don't care?"
"It's not that I don't care but it is just that it's my life, my choice and they should not have a say in it. But at the moment I would love to be working near home 'coz I love the mountains and all."
"You do not care about their opinion for real?"
"It's not that.. but rather that they have never seen interested in any point of my life. I said I was coming to the UK to study and they were simply like "Oh ok" and that's it."
"So you wished that they would be more concerned?"
"I wish they would take a more participative role in my life"
This is from my sketchy memory of the exact words exchanged last night and it appeared to be rather meaningful to me. It showed me that it was not merely an Asian mindset that longed for this care from parents. My assumptions of the British or European culture in that kids and parents are generally not bothered with one another upon attaining the age of majority, along with the many cobwebs or blurred opinions of how people are like is constantly being challenged and defeated everyday. But it reminded me nostalgically and sadly that I too was the victim of such and often although we chatted, discussed and such at home, everything seemed one sided and they never did listen.
Prior to this, I must mention that it was refreshing to chat with a good friend again. We met right after Trusts Lecture, sat at Costa and chatted for a good 2 hours before moving to the Arts Centre to chat for about 30mins or so and moved onto Social Sciences Cafe as she felt that she needed to move about.
It had previously daunted upon me that I did not really know many people and leaving the bungalow meant that I was unable to maintain a strong friendship with Emm. This prompted me to join my societies this year to know more people and to hopefully get closer friends.
Ann is a really great friend and was able to devote her whole afternoon to me, listening to my concerns, my whims and whatsnot. It was certainly assuring to get a "Call me anytime when you are feeling low" from her, a certain something I had often wished my parents would have done for me.
Met a girl from Norway at a social yesterday and it was rather unimaginable. She walked up to me and started introducing herself. To our disappointment, the language we both wanted was Russian but we were unable to do it per se as I am a master of a half substandard level of it (and terribly failure at the oral bit of which) and she is totally new to it. Nonetheless it was amazing the conversation lasted for 3 hours and we moved onto another party after discovering we were the only ones left at the social.
What she mentioned en route to her halls struck me.
"Do you wanna work or live in the UK like your sis?"
"Yeah.. I am not too sure about that yet. At the moment I would like to be..."
"Would your mom and dad say anything about it?"
"Who bothers about what they think?"
"You don't care?"
"It's not that I don't care but it is just that it's my life, my choice and they should not have a say in it. But at the moment I would love to be working near home 'coz I love the mountains and all."
"You do not care about their opinion for real?"
"It's not that.. but rather that they have never seen interested in any point of my life. I said I was coming to the UK to study and they were simply like "Oh ok" and that's it."
"So you wished that they would be more concerned?"
"I wish they would take a more participative role in my life"
This is from my sketchy memory of the exact words exchanged last night and it appeared to be rather meaningful to me. It showed me that it was not merely an Asian mindset that longed for this care from parents. My assumptions of the British or European culture in that kids and parents are generally not bothered with one another upon attaining the age of majority, along with the many cobwebs or blurred opinions of how people are like is constantly being challenged and defeated everyday. But it reminded me nostalgically and sadly that I too was the victim of such and often although we chatted, discussed and such at home, everything seemed one sided and they never did listen.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Utter Confusion
I might have been bogged down with loads of readings or am supposed to be but am definitely gonna mention that I am probably bothered with more complexities in life.
Company law's a bitch for now but I am slowly beginning to appreciate it and Commercial Law just makes sense but just a little too much at times.
Forum is not going too well; have not had the time to make out something concrete and I guess I have to forgo a window of opportunity for now.
TC TC TC, always a pain and never a delightful memory. Today's Singapore, tomorrow I wish for a different land.
Now the greatest, P2P r/s. It is a revisit to the year 1 with all the hard adaptation on campus now that I am back to campus. Every same problem seems to pop out of the grave to tell me the the issues were never settled and along comes a novel one from year 2.
I swear that the chances of me putting myself to sleep at the age of 60 seems to be a little questionable these days, not to mean that I am finally convinced that I should not play God but rather that the need for it is not so fundamental. As much as I hate to admit it, I have resigned to fate in determining the relative prospects of a healthier life. This line of thought is not misconceived as is propelled by many events which occurred during my internship.
Finally some thoughts for the night,
1) What I longed for in somebody seemed to be fulfilled in year one term 2 onwards but that seemed to be awfully different in year 2 term two onwards. What is it that I am seeking seriously?
2) What was that night about? All that feelings and such were strange and definitely most were unintended but it definitely pulled me in many directions and left me standing at where I should not be at.
3) Had I really let an important or supposed to be important slip by in SG? She was great but she had her attachments but never was I so impressed since T.
Company law's a bitch for now but I am slowly beginning to appreciate it and Commercial Law just makes sense but just a little too much at times.
Forum is not going too well; have not had the time to make out something concrete and I guess I have to forgo a window of opportunity for now.
TC TC TC, always a pain and never a delightful memory. Today's Singapore, tomorrow I wish for a different land.
Now the greatest, P2P r/s. It is a revisit to the year 1 with all the hard adaptation on campus now that I am back to campus. Every same problem seems to pop out of the grave to tell me the the issues were never settled and along comes a novel one from year 2.
I swear that the chances of me putting myself to sleep at the age of 60 seems to be a little questionable these days, not to mean that I am finally convinced that I should not play God but rather that the need for it is not so fundamental. As much as I hate to admit it, I have resigned to fate in determining the relative prospects of a healthier life. This line of thought is not misconceived as is propelled by many events which occurred during my internship.
Finally some thoughts for the night,
1) What I longed for in somebody seemed to be fulfilled in year one term 2 onwards but that seemed to be awfully different in year 2 term two onwards. What is it that I am seeking seriously?
2) What was that night about? All that feelings and such were strange and definitely most were unintended but it definitely pulled me in many directions and left me standing at where I should not be at.
3) Had I really let an important or supposed to be important slip by in SG? She was great but she had her attachments but never was I so impressed since T.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Sweet
Just recalled a particular scene from bokura ga ita.
Yano asking Nana if she is willing to just follow him, someone who's still young and jobless, and abandon everything.
And she said yes.
This is where girls go awww and say, "well, I won't do that as that is just impossible."
Today everyone is just so materialistic that most people would smile at that and say, "oh the foolishness of youth".
But for just tonight, let me dream, of a pure hearted girl would say that to me too.
Yano asking Nana if she is willing to just follow him, someone who's still young and jobless, and abandon everything.
And she said yes.
This is where girls go awww and say, "well, I won't do that as that is just impossible."
Today everyone is just so materialistic that most people would smile at that and say, "oh the foolishness of youth".
But for just tonight, let me dream, of a pure hearted girl would say that to me too.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Could this be...
I think I am in... And yet I do not know how true it might be.
Blissful and yet frustrating...
Blissful and yet frustrating...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
how do we lead an interesting life?
thinking through ur life, what was it that made it significant?
love? family? fame? fortune?
I find it hard to expect too much in life anymore...
Not a matter of emo-ness or anything to that effect but simply
what's the motivation in doing so much?
Is there an end to seek?
Am I forever pursuing an end to means with no clear sight of what the ultimate end is?
How do I know the path I am set on is one which is what I would desire?
Some people do say that it's the mystery in not knowing that is what keeps them going
Why is that so?
Mariko once said that it's because she's of that age
that she knows what failure is like and how not to be so hopeful.
So if I am at this age and thinking of stuff like that
does it signify that I am wasting time pursuing and that I start facing reality?
Who was there to guide those who are motivated?
Who is there to give an honest feedback without judging you?
love? family? fame? fortune?
I find it hard to expect too much in life anymore...
Not a matter of emo-ness or anything to that effect but simply
what's the motivation in doing so much?
Is there an end to seek?
Am I forever pursuing an end to means with no clear sight of what the ultimate end is?
How do I know the path I am set on is one which is what I would desire?
Some people do say that it's the mystery in not knowing that is what keeps them going
Why is that so?
Mariko once said that it's because she's of that age
that she knows what failure is like and how not to be so hopeful.
So if I am at this age and thinking of stuff like that
does it signify that I am wasting time pursuing and that I start facing reality?
Who was there to guide those who are motivated?
Who is there to give an honest feedback without judging you?
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